Thursday, January 19, 2012

Legal Bullshit

Inspired by my initiation into the study of laws, acts, sections, subsections, clauses, sub-clauses, blah-blahs, and sub-blah-blahs, here is a legal definition of "Bullshit" in a manner that suits the various thick books of law.

Section 345UAX
       Sub Section (34BC)
               Clause (iii)
                     Sub-Clause (b)
                              Sub-Sub Clause (iv a) 
                              Notwithstanding anything under the provisions of this Act, the term "Bullshit" shall include
                                (i)   excreta of a male bovine, where 'male' excludes

                                           (a) females, or
                                           (b) non-males, or
                                           (c) beings of indeterminate sex, as determined under the provisions of the 
                                                subsection (iii ac) of Section 36HBBX of the Determination of Sex Act 2035,

                                      and 'bovine' means as defined in sub-clause (b) of clause (iii) of sub-rule 3A of                         
                                      rule 87GH of the Classification of Domestic Animal Rules, 2013,
                                      Provided that, 'excreta' fulfills the following conditions:
                                          (i)   it is sourced from undigested food, semi-digested food or any other form of 
                                                food that is not digested, as certified by a Central Government approved 
                                                Veterinary Medical Officer of Class 'A', and
                                          (ii)  it falls on grass, mud, road, fields, or any part of land (as defined in 
                                                Geological Survey Report 1875) or any other earthly body 
                                                appurtenant to such land, and
                                          (iii) it is, in no way, whatsoever, similar to the meaning of 'shit' as defined in the                             
                                               clause (f) of subsection 7BB of Section 763ZY of the Prohibition of Usage of 
                                               Derogatory Words, Act 2065.
                                      Provided further, that 'bull' shall be used only as an integrated prefix to the term
                                      defined in this section and shall not be used after disjointing it from the term defined 
                                      in this section, so as not to connote the meaning it ordinarily connotes under the  
                                      provisions of the Preservation of Domestic Animals Act 2037 or Maintenance of 
                                      Agricultural and Farm Assests Rules, 2015.

                                (ii)  any type of human produce in the form of lectures, class-notes, presentations, 
                                      charts, graphs, discussions, seminars, conferences, project reports or any document 
                                      as defined under the provisions of the Electronic and Mis-Information Technology 
                                      Act, 2060 or, anything deemed to be such human produce in such form as may suit 
                                      the definition of this term, which is delivered in a class room, lecture hall, conference 
                                      hall, auditorium or any other building or buildings as defined under the sub-section 
                                      34CCD of section 420 of the Classification of Immovable Property Act 2114, 
                                      subject to the conditions that such human produce would produce such effects as 
                                      provided below:
                                         (a) boredom, sleepiness, or dizziness, or any such form of ailment that may be 
                                              deemed to be in connection with boredom, sleepiness, or dizziness, or
                                         (b) an inner urge to leave the room, abort the lecture, eliminate the producer of 
                                               such produce through physical harm or any other means, or any other urge 
                                               that may lead to the dissociation of the person from the source of such human 
                                               produce,  or,
                                         (c) any other conditions that may accrue or arise a desire to dissociate from the 
                                              source of such human produce,

                                (iii)  any other thing as may be defined as 'bullshit' by any notifications, orders, or
                                       memorandums by the Ministry of Animal Excreta and Mental Garbage or by way of  
                                       amendments to this Act or by the enactment of any other act as the Far(t)li(g)ament 
                                       may deem fit, from time to time, or any such occasion as it may deem necessary.

1 comment:

Sleepwalker said...

Nice one man. Good read.