साब! कुछ चाय पानी ?

मैं चाय नहीं पीता। और ये मेरी सबसे बड़ी मुसीबत है। ऐसा नहीं है कि मुझे चाय पसंद नहीं है। मुझे हर मीठी चीज़ पसंद आती है। लेकिन चाय मुझे कुछ खास नहीं भाती। न तो उसे पी कर मुझे कोई ऊर्जा मिलती है और न उससे मेरी थकान भागती है। हाँ! अगर ठंड बहुत हो तो एक गरम चाय का कप मैं इंकार नहीं करता। फिर भी चाय मेरे लिए सिर्फ एक गरम पेय से ज़्यादा नहीं है और उसकी जगह अगर गरम दूध भी मिल जाए तो भी काम चल जाए। 

लेकिन अफसोस ये है कि मेरे आस पास बाकी लोग बहुत चाय पीते हैं। और चाय भी सबको अपने-अपने प्रकार की चाहिए। अगर आप चाहें तो लोगों की पसंद की चाय के आधार पर उनकी पर्सनलिटी का पता लगा सकते हैं। मेरे पापा और भैया काफी मीठी चाय पीते हैं और दोनों ही ज़िंदगी को लेकर कभी कोई खास टेंशन नहीं लेते जबकि मेरी बहन और पत्नी कम चीनी और तेज़ पत्ती की चाय पीती हैं और दोनों है भी काफी तेज़। कुछ लोगों को कुल्हड़ की चाय में स्वाद आता है और कुछ लोगों को फाइव स्टार होटलों में मिलने वाली 'दूध-अलग-चीनी-अलग' वाली चाय में। गरीब आदमी शरीर की थकावट मिटाने को चाय पीता है और अमीर मन को आराम पहुंचाने के लिए। ज़्यादातर लोगों को चाय की ऐसी तलब होती है कि सुबह उठते ही बिस्तर पर बेड-टी चाहिए। कुछ लोगों को खाने के तुरंत बाद चाय पसंद है और कुछ को ऑफिस से घर आते ही।

लेकिन भाई साहब मैं उन अभागों में से हूँ जो चाय के शौकीन नहीं। पर चाय का शौकीन न होना  इतना आसान भी नहीं है। ये कोई हिन्दु धर्म जैसा थोड़े ही है कि मंदिर जाओ न जाओ रहोगे तो हिन्दू ही। ये तो जी आजकल की राजनीति के हिन्दुत्व जैसा है, या तो आप चाय के शौकीन और पक्षधर हैं या फिर चाय के दुश्मन। और ऐसे माहौल में चाय से दुश्मनी लेना कोई छोटी मोटी बात नहीं।

जब तक मैं स्कूल में था तो न कोई उम्मीद करता था कि मैं चाय पीऊँ और न ही कोई पूछता ही था। लेकिन जब कॉलेज पहुंचा तो देखा कि दोस्तों के साथ वक़्त बिताने के लिए चाय पीना बड़ा ज़रूरी है। हम सब दोस्त हॉल 3 की कैंटीन में चाय और समोसे के लिए अक्सर जाया करते। जब दोस्त चाय पीते तो मैं समोसे खा लेता और अक्सर बिना चाय पीए ही लौट आता। हम अक्सर सुबह सुबह एम टी जाते चाय पीने एक लंबे नाइट आउट के बाद। लेकिन मैं वहाँ भी एम टी के पकौड़े और जलेबी दही के लालच में ही जाता था। चाय तो तभी पी पाता था जब बहुत ठंड होती थी। जब कॉलेज से घर जाता छुट्टियों में तो मम्मी पूछती की चाय पीनी शुरू की या नहीं और हर बार ये सुन कर खुश हो जातीं की उनका लाल अब भी चाय की लत से दूर है।

कॉलेज के बाद जब सेल्स की नौकरी लगी तो लाइफ इतनी आसान नहीं रह गयी। मुझे एरिया सेल्स मैनेजर के रूप में काफी बड़ा एरिया मिला जिसमें पंजाब भी शामिल था। पंजाब के लोग खाने पीने के शौकीन हैं इसमें बताने जैसी कोई बात नहीं है। खाने का तो मैं भी शौकीन था ही। सो मैंने सोचा कि खूब जमेगी पंजाब में अपनी। हर दुकान पर जाते ही दुकान वाला चाय के लिए पूछता और मैं मुस्करा कर मना कर देता कि मैं चाय नहीं पीता। कुछ तो इस बात से दुखी हो जाते लेकिन कुछ और बदले में लस्सी या छाछ या लेमन सोडा ऑफर कर देते। एक महीने के बाद मेरे एक सेल्स ऑफिसर ने कहा, "बॉस, मार्केट में लोग आपसे कुछ खुश नहीं हैं और ये अफवाह उड़ रही है कि नए मैनेजर कुछ ज़्यादा ही अक्खड़ और नखरे वाले हैं।" मैं चकरा गया। जब मैंने इसका कारण पूछा तो उसने बताया कि लोग कहते हैं कि ये मैनेजर तो हमारे यहाँ कि चाय तक नहीं पीता। मेरी उस दिन समझ में आया कि चाय कितनी ज़रूरी है इंसानी रिश्तों के लिए। चाहे आप इसे सेल्स का प्रैशर कहें या मेरी इंसानियत, मैंने चाय के ऑफर पर हाँ कहना शुरू कर दिया।

फिर क्या था। मैं एक दिन में करीब दस से पंद्रह दुकानों में जाता था और हर दुकानदार मुझे चाय पीने को कहता। मैं हाँ कह देता और शाम तक दस पंद्रह कप चाय पीकर मेरी हालत खस्ता हो जाती। लेकिन इन चाय के प्यालों ने मुझे पंजाब के उन दूकानदारों से ऐसी दोस्ती करवा दी कि फिर चाय सिर्फ चाय न रह गयी। कभी कोई गोल्डेन टैम्पल के पास वाले कुल्चे खिलाता तो कोई जलंधर की हवेली की पूरी सब्ज़ी और कोई पठानकोट के दाल के पकोड़े। मैं भी चाय के साथ मिलने वाली ऐसी ललचाने वाली चीजों के चक्कर में चाय पीता चला गया और जैसे तैसे अपने सेल्स के तीन चार साल पंजाब के चाय को झेलते बिता दी। और फिर मुझे जोश चढ़ा पढ़ाई करने का और मैं नौकरी छोड़ कर दिल्ली के राजेंद्र नगर में आ गया।

यहाँ आई ए एस की तैयारी करने वालों में चाय कि तलब मुझे पंजाब के दूकानदारों से भी ज़्यादा दिखी। मेरे जो भी दोस्त बने वो अनिल की चाय की दुकान पर ही बने और हर शाम को वहाँ ऐसी ऐसी गंभीर चर्चा होती कि लगता देश अब सुधरा कि तब सुधरा। मुझे यहाँ भी चाय से ज़्यादा अनिल की दुकान पर मिलने वाली वो ब्रैड कि रस्क ज़्यादा पसंद आती। रस्क को गरम चाय में डुबोकर नर्म मीठी रस्क खाने में बड़ा मज़ा आता। और ऐसे ही चाय का दौर चलता रहा। और अब जबकि मैं सरकारी नौकरी में अपने पैर जमा रहा हूँ तो चाय से पीछा छुड़ाना मुश्किल हो गया है। इतने सालों तक चाय पीने के बावजूद मैं अब तक चाय का अमली नहीं हुआ हूँ और ये मेरे चाय के शौकीन दोस्तों को अभी भी चकित कर देता है।

सरकार में रहकर आपको ऐसा लगेगा कि ये देश अब भी वैसे चल रहा है जैसे अंग्रेज़ इसे चलाते थे। ब्यूरोक्रेसी और आर्मी दो ऐसी संस्थाएं हैं जो आज भी लगभग वैसी ही हैं जैसा अंग्रेजों ने जाते जाते इन्हे छोड़ा था। और आइस वाली व्हिस्की के अलावा एक चीज़ जो अंग्रेजों ने इन दो संस्थाओं में अपनी छाप कि तरह छोड़ी है तो वो है चाय। सरकार में चाय सिर्फ एक पेय नहीं है। ये एक सरकारी बाबू कि दिनचर्या का एक अभिन्न अंग है।

सुबह जब काफी देर से ऑफिस की शुरुआत होती है तो एक ही घंटे में चाय के ब्रेक का वक़्त हो जाता है। यहाँ भी कर्मचारी की चाय और अफसर की चाय में फर्क होता है। ऑफिस का चपरासी एक शीशे के गिलास में चाय पीता है लेकिन जब साहब की चाय लेकर आता है तो चाय का कप एक छोटी सी प्लेट में रखा होता है। और चाय के साथ कम से कम दो तीन तरह के बिसकुट ज़रूर होते हैं। सो मुझे इन्हीं बिस्किट्स का इंतज़ार रहता है। पर उससे भी शानदार चाय होती है शाम की चाय और वो भी तब जब कोई बहुत ही सीनियर अफसर या मंत्री आपको शाम की चाय पर बुलाये।

क्योंकि हम अभी ट्रेनिंग पर हैं तो हमें रोज़ ही किसी न किसी बड़े अफसर या मंत्री से मिलने जाना होता है कर्ट्सी विसिट के नाम पर। और जब ऐसी जगहों पर चाय मिलती है तो उसे सिर्फ 'टी' नहीं कहते, उसे कहते हैं 'हाई-टी'। अब उसे 'हाई' क्यूँ कहते हैं ये तो मैं नहीं जानता लेकिन ये ज़रूर समझ गया हूँ कि हाई टी में चाय सिर्फ एक साइड एक्टर बनकर रह जाती है। चाय के साथ कम से तीन चार तरह के पकोड़े, समोसे, ढोकला, चिप्स, पेस्ट्री, मिठाई, और न जाने क्या क्या ऑफर किया जाता है। और इसलिए हाई टी मेरी फेवेरेट चाय बन गयी है। आज कल जब भी ऐसी किसी उच्च स्तरीय बैठक में हमें बुलाया जाता है तो मैं यही देख कर अपने मेजबान की सीनियरीटी का अंदाज़ा लगाता हूँ कि आखिर हाई टी कितनी हाई थी। एक मंत्री जी के यहाँ चाय के साथ इतने पकवान थे कि मैं चाय तक पहुँच ही नहीं पाया और मेरे मन में उनके प्रति काफी सम्मान उमड़ पड़ा। एक सीनियर अफसर ने चाय के साथ सिर्फ बिसकुट दी वो भी केवल नमकीन वाली तो मैं समझ गया कि ये या तो बेहद ईमानदार हैं या बेहद कंजूस। जब एक हाई टी में पास्ता और छोटे छोटे पिज्जा भी दिखे तो मेरे मन से भूरि भूरि प्रशंसा निकली उन साहब के लिए।

हाल ही में ससुराल के एक रिश्तेदार ने चाय पर सपत्नी बुलाया और मैं स-ससुराल ही पहुँच गया। ससुराल वाली चाय की अलग ही बात होती है। दामाद की इज्ज़त भी किसी सरकारी अफसर से कम नहीं होती। कभी कचौरी, कभी पोहे तो कभी टिक्की, चाय अकेले कभी नहीं आती। और जब चाय का न्योता ससुराल के किसी रिश्तेदार से आया हो तो पता होता है कि यहाँ न सिर्फ चाय के साथ दमदार नाश्ता मिलेगा बल्कि पैर छूते छूते दो तीन कडक नोट वाले लिफाफे भी आ जाएंगे जेब में। बाद में ये लिफ़ाफ पिज्जा खरीदने के काम आते हैं। इस बार वाले नाश्ते में भी जम कर टिक्की, पनीर पकोड़ा, ढोकला और चाट का लुत्फ लिया गया। आखिर पंजाबी ससुराल होने का असली फायदा तो खाने पीने वाला बिहारी पंडित ही उठा सकता है।

लेकिन आज तब हद हो गयी जब चाय की ब्रेक में सरकारी चाय के साथ न कोई समोसे मिले और न ही कोई बिस्कुट। पिछले कुछ दिनों से मिल रहे नयी तरह के कूकीस पर दिल आ गया था मेरा तो। लेकिन आज बस फक्त चाय!! आज मुझे चाय इतनी गरम लगी कि मुझे एहसास हुआ कि मौसम कितना गरम हो गया है। ऐसे मौसम में भी कोई चाय पी सकता है भला? एक बार फिर मेरा पलड़ा 'चाय के शौकीन' से 'चाय के दुश्मन' की तरफ बदल गया है। कल एक मंत्री जी के घर फिर से चाय का न्योता आया है। देखते हैं कल टी कितनी हाई होती है। तभी पता चलेगा कि मैं चाय का फिर से शौकीन बन पाता हूँ या नहीं। 

The 'laddoo' of Failure

It was a dull morning of June 2001. Weeks ago, I had got my XIIth boards results securing 89.6% marks. I was planning in my head to go to the Delhi University and follow my dream to study Hindi literature in graduation. My friend Abhimanyu was going to follow his dream and was confident that he would get admissions in SRCC in commerce or economics. I appreciated his rebel attitude. I was thinking between St. Stephens Chemistry and Hindi Literature at Hindu or KMC. Papa had gone to Plant (Bokaro Steel Plant) in the 'A' shift that begins at 6 am and he would be back only at 2 pm. I had celebrated my 18th birthday months ago in January and had also appeared at the IIT-JEE mains in May under the compulsion of my parents. 

In the prelims of JEE, I had secured a rank around 15000, when roughly 16000 students had qualified. I had no inclination to go to the IIT as science did not interest me. I studied for my Boards and as a sign of rebellion, did not study for the JEE Mains. I was determined to revolt against Papa and go to Delhi for my graduation. At 8 am, the results were about to come. I somehow knew that I wouldn't make it and then I shall be off to Delhi. Papa shall have to agree.

There was no internet cafe nearby, but Nidhi had internet at her home. She always thought that I was a bright student and would get through IIT for sure. She had kept my roll no. to check the results. At around 8:15am, Nidhi called on our landline phone. I picked up. She was very sad and found it tough to tell me that I haven't qualified the JEE Mains. The rank is somewhere in the 8000 whereas there were only 3000 seats. She said she had checked the result several times. She re-confirmed my roll no. She said I should go and check the results myself. May be there has been a mistake. I was surprised to see her so concerned. I was cool. I knew I would not make it. I did not want to. I am a rebel, I told her and I shall do what I want to do. She was going to pursue Commerce in Pune so I expected her to understand.

I told Mummy and Gudia that the results are out and I haven't made it to IIT. Gudia was not as shocked as Mummy. She appreciated my rebellion but somewhere found me rude for not working towards IIT, just to prove a point to Papa. Mummy was in tears immediately. I tried to argue with her. "Why don't you understand? I do not want to become an engineer. I want to be a poet and pursue Hindi in Delhi." She looked at me with shock. She took me to the Dining room and opened a door. Behind the door, on the nails, hung a packet of sweets. She told me, "Your Papa bought these last evening and hid them here." He had told her while going to the Plant that the results will be out at 8 am. "I shall be in Plant then. Serve the sweets when IIT results are out." He was sure that I will get into IITs.

Papa had all his faith in me. I was rebelling against him, but he wasn't against me. I was fighting a one sided war, where the other party wasn't fighting at all. He was hyper-confident about my brilliance and thought that I was bluffing about not liking science. My victory soon turned into a defeat. My mother was crying. Seeing her, Gudia also started crying. I was confused. I thought I had my chance to go to Delhi to pursue my own interests. But that box of sweets was staring in my face. That man trusted me and I broke his trust. I did not fail because I could not study. I failed because I did not study. I was cheating him when I kept buying books and study material and kept dumping them. How would I face him now? What would he do with these sweets? He shall be heart broken. I was reminded how he had a heart attack only less than two years ago.  I was scared. My feet started trembling. And tears rolled down my eyes.

I went to Mummy's bedroom and cried for hours in front of the Gods. She cried alongside me. The more she cried, the more I realized how much did it matter to them that I get into IIT. I was the first child in our family who had shown signs of good academics and people thought highly of me. Papa was taunted by engineers in the plant that how can a Fitter dare to dream of his son becoming an engineer. He had kept his calm patiently waiting for the day when he would answer back to his bosses that his son did become an engineer. I did not know all this. The more I knew, the more I was filled with guilt. 

No one had lunch. Gudia and Mummy kept sulking somewhere and I kept lying on the floor, dreaded with the fear of facing Papa when he returns home. The door bell rang at around 2:30 pm. Mummy opened the door and I could hear Papa asking, "What is the rank?" The man would not be ready to accept that I had failed. Mummy told him that I failed to make it to the list and tears again rolled out of her eyes. Papa asked where I was. She told him that I was not ready to face him. He called me out. I sheepishly came out and stood with my head hung in shame. My eyes were red with and tears were still trickling.

Papa had not seen me crying in years. No one had. I had not cried even when Papa was in the ICU after the heart attack. He did not like the fact that I was crying. He asked me to sit and asked, "Why do you think you did not qualify?" I did not know what to say. I did not feel like a rebel anymore. I wanted to confess. I told him, "I do not like science so I did not study for the exam. I want to go to Delhi to pursue graduation in Hindi. But I am sorry that you had such high hopes of me and I disappointed you."

Mummy shouted at me, "What will you do by studying Hindi? Become a poet? How much will you earn?" I had no answer. Papa asked Mummy to keep quiet. He said, "Did you taste the sweets?" My sense of guilt resurfaced. I said, "I am sorry. I could not make you proud." He smiled again. He said to Gudia, "Bring the sweets, let's have them." I was surprised, so was Gudia. Was he trying to shame me further? Why was he acting so cool?

Sweets were brought and Papa asked all of us to have some. I couldn't. No one could. Then he told me a story. He said, "In our village, there was a very heavy wrestler by the name of Bhoomi Sanghai. He was so huge and powerful that no one could defeat him. Every year during the Kartik Mela, he used to organize Akhadas where he used to invite youngsters to fight him and he would give the winner a big laddoo. No one ever dared to challenge him and no one got that laddoo. Once a young boy challenged him and Bhoomi Sanghai fought him in the Akhada. They guy was no match for Bhoomi and after some struggle he was defeated by easily. Everyone laughed at the poor chap. Bhoomi Sanghai called for the laddoo and gave one to the young boy. the boy asked why was he getting the laddoo when he had actually lost. Bhoomi Sanghai said to him,"Whether you win or you lose, you shall get one laddoo. The laddoo is not for winning, it is for the fighting. You showed courage to fight me, so you earn a laddoo." As you have also shown the courage to appear in this exam, you deserve a sweet, even if you have failed. And you say that you failed because you didn't study. So if you study, you can clear it next time. And if you really do not want to do this, you can go to Delhi and do what you like."

I was silent. My rebellion was withering away. I still hated science. I still wanted to go to Delhi and study Hindi. But I just couldn't do that. I wanted to show Papa that I could clear JEE and that I had no idea that this meant so much to everybody. Had he scolded me and fought me, I would have run away to Delhi the next day. But I decided to stay back and give the exam one more try for the next year. Now, there was nothing else in my life for the next one year. I just wanted to clear the JEE as an apology to my father for cheating on him. I had not earned my laddoo yet. I had really not fought enough. 

Greener on the Other Side

During the final years of college, getting a job seemed as the most important thing in life. I had a pretty average CPI and my knowledge of Mechanical Engineering was practically zero. But I had 'extra-curriculars' and so I thought that I shall be able to get a good job. In those days, in 2006, a 25k per month salary looked amazing. A package of 6 lakhs per annum was the average those days and lucky guys cracked 8 lakhs p.a. I had done my Summer Internship in Schlumberger and hence that was a backup option. But the job at Schlums appeared to be for the sporty and the adventure loving and I wanted a job more social.

I opted for everything other than Mech Engg and got through Sales and Marketing in HUL. Later I found out that I was hired at the same position that IIM grads are hired. The package was 8 lakhs CTC. I was the happiest man in the campus. I thought that I have made it in life. I had moved from engineering to marketing and I was going to be treated at par with IIM grads. During the training the company also got us a certificate from IIM Bangalore. The package increased to 15 lakhs in less than three years. And I was managing a Sales turnover of about 7-8 crores per month for HUL. 

Friends and colleagues around me were buying houses in Gurgaon and Noida, owning cars like Swift and I10 and aspired to buy Honda City and Toyota Corolla. I somehow did neither. The near lakh per month salary made no sense to me anymore. My dreams were always of a 30k salary and so I didn't know what to do with the rest. I spent most of my disposable income in eating and drinking at random five start hotels and living a life of no future planning. I saw friends from college struggling to get to the civil services and I thought that I am wasting my time making money. I should do something of a greater purpose. I thought I don't need a Honda City or a Duplex in Gurgaon to make me happy. I wanted a job with much higher values and purpose.

After two years of struggle, I came to the IAS. By the time I entered IAS, salaries at HUL and similar companies had crossed 25 lakhs per annum. And the salaries at IAS started at around 30k per month. I had already spent 6 years after college figuring out my desired career. Now when I am here, my friends have moved on to doing an MBA abroad or even if they have stayed in their jobs, they have bought bigger cars, they have bought houses worth 50-80 lakhs and dine in the costliest restaurants. I could have been in their places had I stayed on, but then it seemed pointless to acquire all those assets then. Now, they suddenly look lucrative.

Now that my salary is around 30k, which too hasn't arrived for the last month, due to paper work drama at the government (in fact, it might not come for the next two months, as that much time is taken by govt to complete paper work on first posting), 'things which I didn't care to acquire' have transformed into 'things that I can't acquire'. It is a different story that subsidized house and vehicle shall be arranged at almost all places of postings, but if I want to have my own house and my own vehicle, I shall be way short of finances. I am yet to see the real work on ground and probably that may be the silver lining in this job - the intrinsic job content. But as of today I feel a confused middle class lad who always found the grass greener on the other side.

maa, mujhe vaapas bula le

माँ, मुझे वापस बुला ले

जीवन की उलझन में डूबा
जीवन खोज रहा हूँ
बीच समन्दर निपट अकेला
गॊते लगा रहा हूँ

फिर से साहिल की मिट्टी का
मुझको तिलक लगा दे
माँ, मुझे वापस बुला ले

बचपन की अठखेलियाँ अब भी
मरी नहीं इस मन से
भीतर अब भी बच्चा ही हूँ
युवा हुआ बस तन  से

यौवन के इस तप्त डगर पर
अपना आँचल लहरा दे
माँ, मुझे वापस बुला ले

नही करूँगा कोई शरारत
बात सभी मानूँगा
तुझे तंग करने की
अब मैं कभी नहीं ठानूंगा

फिर से बना ले बच्चा मुझको
गोद में अपनी सुला ले

माँ, मुझे वापस बुला ले

love thy lady

In a society like ours, being a man is more difficult than just having a male body. If you cannot taunt on a woman's body, you aren't man enough. If you can't embarass a woman for her sexuality then your own sexuality shall be questioned. If you can't make fun of a gay friend, then you must be a gay yourself and hence you should be made fun of. If you are managing your career in order to accomodate your wife's career, you are weak and if you get your wife to quit her career so that she can cook for you and rear kids for you, you are a man. if you do well in life and are 'eligible' for a heavy dowry but decide to marry to a woman you love, outside your caste and without any dowry, you are a fool who has been trapped by a girl. 

Every one will teach you in school that you should treat women with respect and that woman is a 'devi' and we worship her. They'll teach you that she is a mother, a sister, a wife and a daughter and hence love her. But just no one bothers to say that love her just because she is just another person. If you are to be referred to as just you, why should she be referred as someone's mom, or sister or wife. She is what she is. Why is it so difficult for you to accept that.

You must have been a great success in life, but so can she be. Intellect is not a function of sex and neither is stupidity or morality. Just because you have a very good career, you will tell your wife to stay at home as she doesn't need to work anymore. Why the hell do you need to work then, if she has a good job? If you are in a job that means a lot of transfers, why should she quit working and move with you? Why can't she continue her career and you manage accordingly? Oh sure, because you are a man, and she is not. You are the breadwinner, despite the fact that she can not only earn the bread better than you can but also can make that bread and feed it to your kids. At all of these you are worse off than her. But never mind, you are a man. You are supposed to feel superior though you know that you are far weaker than her.

If you get drunk, it is okay as you are a guy, but if she drinks, it is not good, bcause our 'national tradition' does not prefer women drinking. If you eye other women, just because you can never get over a woman's body, it is normal, but if she dresses up in manner to catch a man's attention, she should be corrected. You can fanatsize about a woman whether she is a teacher dressed well or a housemaid dressed poorly, but if your girlfriend dresses in a manner that appears revealing to you, you surely will feel humiliated and insecure. Because no one knows the other men better than you. You just can't accept the fact that all other men will look at your girl in the manner you look at other girls. And since you are feeble and weak to stop other males, you would try all tricks to control your lady.

Why does it take you so much effort to see that she is just a person, very much like you. She can have a different body, a different physiology and a different psychology, but why don't you just let it be. She also has the freedom to get drunk and make her career the way she wants it to be. She has the right to dress in the manner she wishes because she is doing it for herself and for you. And if she does want to attract other men fight the other men, if you will, let her be what she is. Love your lady for what she is and stop giving a damn to what the world tells you. 

NADT - 'N'ot only 'A'bout 'D'irect 'T'axes

December 2011. I landed at Nagpur to a very royal welcome at the National Academy of Direct Taxes. Contrary to my welcome at college way back in 2002 when it was all about 'kholo', 'ragging' and 'bakaiti', here it was with a rose bud, a gift hamper and smiles from the senior batch. We, the 65th Batch of the Indian Revenue Services (Income Tax) seemed to have arrived.

Soon, we were to get into a frenzy of wardrobe management. First of all there was that black Bandgala and as the name suggests, it chokes your throat badly, more so if you are endowed with a double chin like mine. Then there was the formal/lounge suit which by the way could not be called so, as there was no lounge in the academy. So to make sure that lounge suits are not left without a use, the classrooms were the places that were to be entered in a lounge suit. Ha! This was amazing. In college, we were lamented for wearing shorts, t-shirts (with Black Sabbath or Pink Floyd on it) and bathroom chappals into classes and here I was going to class in a lounge suit. Then there was the academy track suit along with a set of white shorts and white t-shirts to be worn for Morning Activity. The name is misleading. Morning Activity sounds so benign as if we would wake up to do some saheb-type stroll in a lawn with a pet dog accompanying us. However, it should be renamed as 'extremely physical activity that is the birthplace of all Memos'. (More about what and who is that animal called Memo after a couple of paragraphs). There were also days when we were supposed to wear traditional Indian dresses like the kurta pyjama and the like.

Having stuffed our wardrobe with enough number of shirts and ties and suits, we went to our first class after the inauguration lecture. We were introduced to characters called the DG, ADG-1, ADG-2 and also the CD, ACD-1, ACD-2. We also came to know that we are called the OT. I wondered why there weren't any AOT-1 and AOT-2!!. Never Mind. The "Oh-Tea" was more than just a name. It signified two of the most used terms in our lives. At each lecture, we would exhale "Oh", either at the sheer sleepiness of them or at the immense amount of hyper-divine taxation knowledge that moved past us like dangerous missiles. And at the end of each lecture, we would crave for Tea. I was soon to learn that Tea forms the most integral and basic ingredient in a Civil Servants life.

Alas, I do not take tea. But that didn't matter. Because in government, the Tea is never about the tea. It is about what accompanies the tea. It is either a cookie, a biscuit, a pastry, a pakoda or any other innovation. In fact, when bigger officials or guests arrive, there is always a High-Tea that is organized. While the name might mislead people to expecting liquor or grass, it actually means that the tea will be accompanied by so many snacks that you can actually get high on cholesterol. For someone like me, I just waited for days when a High Tea would be organized.

By the way, what were be being trained at? Oh, we were being trained to collect income tax. Simple isn't it? Ha! Not even close. The Income Tax Act which is one of the zillion Acts that India has takes pride in boasting that it is the most complex act and looks bulkier than even the Constitution of India. The Income Tax Rules, however beats even the Act in its bulkiness. First I thought that these were given to be used during the Morning Activity where these shall be used as dumb-bells to flex some muscles. To my horror, I realized these were to be read. Reading the IT Act is not, truly speaking, reading. It is actually Textual Harassment. My feelings on the legal language of the Act has already been expressed here http://cmt-lekhnise.blogspot.in/2012/01/legal-bullshit.html

But the most MEMOrable part of the training is the MEMO. It is that small piece of paper which lands at you like a bomb, if you are found missing from the Morning PT or in any class or even in any cultural function. Then you submit a reply and then get a moral lecture from the faculty and then forget about it. That reminds me of the Cultural functions. Oh there were too many of them and the most scary part was that our CD himself was an accomplished artist. A flute player of repute. That only meant that all cultural programmes had to be of the level to match his and that left many of us trying hard to come up with a show that he would approve of. I saw many innocent OT's burning midnight oil with a dance or a song and waiting in anticipation at the auditions of cultural programmes conducted by the CD himself. Poor souls.

However, NADT remains in my memories my baptism centre in the government and a place where I spent my enjoyable time. As luck would have it, I moved out from the academy to join another service but I still am fond of my NADT day's introduction - "Hello, I am CMT, an OT in IRS(IT), who lives at NADT and loves High Tea"

When Bhabha turned in his grave

At the academy in Mussoorie, a debate has been conducted every year for last 30 odd years in the memory of Homi J Bhabha, the pioneer scientist of India. And as happens with most such memorial debates, it has a running trophy which gets transferred to the winner of each year. The 2012 Homi Bhabha Debate was on "Climate Changed India of 2030's: Heading for Disaster"

I had not taken part in any debate since 2003 or 2004 and felt that I'll never again get to do this school-college type of thing after the real job begins. In the spur of the moment, I gave my name for the debate. On the suggestion of a friend who said that there is a lot of material on the internet denying the existence of climate change, I decided to go against the topic.

But the lazy man that I am, I somehow didn't feel like doing extensive research on the topic and mostly forgot about it till friday. (the debate was to be on monday). Friday, Saturday and Sunday are the days when we get drunk.After getting heavily drunk on Saturday, it occurred to me that I had to write something for the debate. In the most drunken state, I started scribbling something in Hindi. I wrote about 2-3 pages and then dozed off. With a hangover, I woke up on sunday and struggled to read my own handwriting. I then realized I had almost no content or arguement, but the liquor had had a huge impact on the tone of my scribble. Friends suggested that I keep the tone and try including some content. The very friends were also kind enough to google and give me some 2-3 points. I had, by then, thought of a lot of rhetorics. Before the drinks on Sunday, a script was ready. After getting drunk on Sunday, I read out the script to my other drunk friends. They agreed that it had almost no content, but said that if I deliver this with the same vigour that I have when I am drunk, this would be quite an entertainment for the audience.

I had last minute self-doubts. This was, after all, a serious debate, where people would qoute from international conventions and speek in highly bureaucratic English. Would I not be blamed of trivializing and mimicking the entire programme. Somehow my friends were sure that this would be fun. I decided to take the chance. Entertaining the audience became a bigger aim than winning the debate. Here is the script which I delivered....

सन् 1999. मेरी उम्र तकरीबन 16 साल की रही होगी, जब किसी ने ये अफवाह उड़ाई कि दुनिया खतम होने वाली है। मैने न जाने किस-किस भगवान से मन्नत माँगी कि दसवीं की परीक्षा से पहले दुनिया खतम हो जाए। पर भगवान ने मेरी नहीं सुनी। पिछ्ले साल भी एक बार फिर हवा उड़ी कि 2012 में दुनिया खतम हो जाएगी। मैने फिर मन्नतें माँगी कि सिविल सेवा की परीक्षा से पहले ही दुनिया खतम हो जाए। भगवान ने फिर से मेरी नहीं सुनी। 2012 अब भी जारी है, लेकिन ये कमबख्त दुनिया है कि खतम होने का नाम ही नहीं लेती।

अभी मेरे कई काबिल दोस्तों ने Google और Wikipedia से ऐसे-ऐसे तथ्य निकाल कर आपके सामने परोसे कि उन्हें सुनकर आपकी रूह काँप उठी होगी और आप घबरा गए होंगे कि 2030 तक दुनिया का महाविनाश हो जाएगा। काश कि ये सब सच होता और हम इस जालिम दुनिया से निजात पा सकते। पर अफसोस कि ये खामखयाली उतनी ही सच है जितना ये कि माँ के दूध से बच्चे को cancer हो सकता है।

पिछ्ले 20 सालों में, खासकर 1992 के Rio De Jenerio के Earth Summit  के बाद से Climate Change या जलवायु परिवर्तन समाज के बेरोज़गार रईसों के Drawing Room Discussions का एक अहम मुद्दा बन गया है। वैसे ही जैसे कई साल पहले समाजवाद या पूँजीवाद की बहस इनका timepass हुआ  करती थी।

कई महानुभावों का कहना है कि 2030 तक  हमने अपने मौसम को इस कदर बादल डाला होगा कि जीना मुहाल हो जाएगा। मैं इंसान की इस छाती पीटने की आदत का कायल हो गया हूँ। न सिर्फ हम इस बात का दम भरते हैं कि हमने 200 सालों में पृथ्वी की जलवायु बिगाड़ दी है बल्कि इस वायदे  पर भी इतराते हैं कि हम चाहें तो इस जलवायु परिवर्तन को रोक सकते हैं।

IPCC, UNEP एवं कई ऐसी संस्थाओं की मदद से विकसित देशों ने लगभग हमें मना  लिया है कि carbon  dioxide, methane, chloroflourocarbon इत्यादि जैसे गैसों की वजह  से हमारी धरती काफी गर्म हो चुकी है और महाविनाश निकट है। मैं इस बात से इन्कार नहीं करता कि पिछ्ले 200 सालों में मौसम में कोई permanent  बदलाव नहीं हुआ  है। मैं ये भी जानता हूँ कि Greenhouse गैसों का पृथ्वी के तापमान पर क्या असर हुआ  है। पर ये कहना कि ये सब महाविनाश कि निशानी है, ये किसी नौसिखिये कवि की कोरी कल्पना से ज्यादा गम्भीर नहीं लगता।

हम भारतीयों को तब टक किसी बात पर भरोसा नहीं होता जब तक  अमेरिका, ऑस्ट्रेलिया या जेनेवा जैसी जगह से किसी Dr . Robert  या Dr . Carter हमें कुछ Research करके न दिखायें। आपकी इस उत्सुकता को मिटाने के लिए मैं  ऑस्ट्रेलिया के Dr . Robert Carter  के रिसर्च से कुछ बताना चाहूँगा। उनके अनुसार जलवायु हमेशा से बदलता रहा है और बदलता रहेगा। साथ ही CO2 का असर Greenhouse  Effect में सिर्फ 5 से 6% है और 70% असर Water Vapour  यानि  पानी  के भाप का है।

अमेरिका के Jarret Wollstein  बताते हैं कि सन् 1000 एवं 1500 ई. के दौरान पृथ्वी वर्तमान से भी ज्यादा गर्म थी। साथ  ही 1450 ई. से 1850 ई. के बीच भी तापमान गिर गया था और 1940 से 1970 के बीच भी तापमान घटा था। मतलब ये कि इस गर्मी - सर्दी के दौर से इन्सानी हरकतों का तो कोई लेना-देना  ही नहीं है !! NASA की एक report के अनुसार सूर्य में पिछ्ले 100 सालों के Solar Flares सबसे ज्यादा गर्म रहे हैं। मंगल ग्रह पर भी बरफ पिघलती पाई गई है। इससे पहले कि इन्सान मंगल या सूर्य पर पहुँच पाता। Climate Change ने पहले ही जलवे दिखा दिए। Wollstein कि इस रिसर्च ने कितने इन्सानों का दिल तोड़ दिया होगा। इन्सानी ताकत की  ऐसी तौहीन? अफसोस!!

फिर भी मैं मानता हूँ  कि इन्सानों एवं उनकी सरकारों को Climate  Change के नाम पर कुछ न कुछ हाथ - पैर मारते रहना चाहिए। क्या है कि इससे मानव-जाति का आत्म-विश्वास बना रहता है।

भारत जैसे विकास-शील देश में भी National Action Plan for Climate Change के आठ मिशनों की यही कोशिश है। लेकिन इसका ये मतलब कतई नहीं है कि ये मिशन भारत के औद्योगिक विकास को धीमा कर दें।

सिर्फ इसलिए कि विदेशी पर्यटकों को घूमने को हरे-भरे जंगल मिलते रहें, हम उन जंगलों में रहने वाले भारतीयों को सड़क और बिजली से वन्चित नहीं कर सकते। देश केवल पहाड़ों, जंगलों और नदियों से नहीं बनता। वो बनता है उसके लोगों से। क्या झारखण्ड के एक बच्चे को सिर्फ इसलिए Thermal Power की बिजली नहीं मिलनी चाहिए क्योंकि उसके हिस्से का प्रदूषण कोइ अमेरिकी पहले ही फैला चुका है?

क्या Kyoto Protocol और Clean Development Mechanism  भारत जैसे देशों कि जिम्मेदारी हैं जहाँ 24 घंटों  कि बिजली आज भी एक Luxury है? यूरोप और अमेरिका ने जब चाहा, कोयलों से बिजली निकाली, फिर युरेनियम से और फिर Nuclear Bomb भी बनाया। लेकिन हम पवन-चक्कियों से गाँव को रोशन करें और युरेनियम भी उनसे पूछ  कर इस्तेमाल करें?

डराने वाले यूँ हि डराते  रहेंगे। 2030 में जब शायद मेरी औलाद दसवीं की परीक्षा दे रही होगी तो वे भी भगवान से मन्नत मांगेगी कि दुनिया उसकी परीक्षा से पहले ही खतम हो जाए। लेकिन भगवान ने न उसके बाप कि सुनी थि और न उसकी सुनेगा।

It was clear that the audience enjoyed the delivery of the speech. However, some of them also frowned on what they thought was blasphemic both for the academy as well as for Homi Bhabha. Much to the dissappointment of such people and much more to the sheer pleasure and surprise to us, I was awarded the first prize, thus becoming the Homi J Bhabha Orator of the Year 2012.


All I wanna say is, I am sorry Bhabha :)